Recently two fairly untraveled friends of mine have asked for Cosmic packing advice.  Now, considering I can do a 5 day business trip in a 22" rollerbag and a backpack, I’m hardly an average traveler  (oh, and I can pack that bag in under 10 minutes), but I’m always willing to try.  So, much like "Plastics" I have decided to condense my advice into two easy to remember points – quality footwear and coughdrops.  First, the coughdrops.  Now, most people know that plane air is dry and stale.  And most people carry gum for takeoff and landing.  Well, replace the gum with coughdrops and make your throat happier as you pop your ears while waiting for your specimen cup of "complimentary beverage".  (TSA gel, cream and aerosol warning – might want to avoid the ones with the liquid center – better safe than cavity checked in "the little room".)

 

Secondly, but perhaps most importantly, revisit your shoes.  There are, once again, two key points – TSA ease of removal and comfort (not to mention speed) for moving through airports.  Ideally, your "airport shoes" should double as your work shoes and sightseeing shoes for conservation of baggage space and weight (shoes are heavy and the new weight restrictions make every ounce count).  Those of you that run while on the road can stop here, since you will have to find the space for your running shoes, but for the rest of you, I’ve found three brands that have worked for me.  First, Cole Haan moccasins and loafers – never go with a shoe that isn’t easy to slide on and off (TSA) or that looks overly casual (sport or beach sandals/thongs).  The Cole Haan Country collection has shoes that meet these criteria perfectly, but they require breaking in.  For years I mixed and matched Cole Haan loafers and Rockports – another great shoe that meets our criteria.  These days?  It’s Merrells, hands down.  Now, you have to be careful (lots of Merrells look far too casual for a work environment) but in general these are perfect travel shoes out of the box – comfortable, business casual, easy to put on and take off, sturdy and requiring no break in period.

 

Finally, for all of you that aren’t seeing tennis shoes mentioned here – that’s cause they don’t really meet either criteria and have other "issues".  They take time to take off and more time to put back on and they hardly double as dinner or business wear (no, not even the black ones – they just make you look like you need a pocket protector).  Yes, they are comfortable but please, I beg of you, avoid being in front of or behind the guy wearing the sneakers in the TSA line.  Sneakers = foot funk.  Serious foot funk.  Now think about it – do *you* want to be the guy with the funky feet who gets pulled for a random security check, kills two people and hospitalizes four others due to respiratory problems related to the green fog emanating from betwixt their toes?  I thought not.  Ditch the sneaks.

In a few weeks, I’m headed to Philadelphia, one of USAirways’ main hubs, from Charlotte, yet another USAir "fortress hub".  In fact, it’s darned hard to fly anywhere on USAirways that you don’t wind up in Charlotte, DC, Philly or Pittsburgh on some leg of your trip.  So let’s look at the fares.

 

First, the lowest – for $178 round trip, I can take Northwest to Philly through Memphis.  For $182 round trip, I can take Delta through Atlanta.

 

Now, let’s look at USAirways’ hub to hub flights for roundtrip Charlotte to Philly.  The cheapest on Expedia is $412, the same on the USAirways site is $407 since I wouldn’t need to pay the $5 Expedia booking fee.  Seem a bit extreme?  Yup.  And weird.  Very weird.  A few years ago the airlines announced that fares would make more sense and that you could no longer drive to a smaller airport and get cheaper fares on the same flights from hubs.  Mmmmkay…. I live about 30-45 minutes from the Charlotte airport, about an hour from the Greensboro airport.  Hardly enough to worry about given the amount of time killed in airports these days thanks to heightened security and lowered on-time ratings.  Let’s check Greensboro to Philly, shall we?

 

The lowest this time is United with a round trip fare of $219, but for $20 more, I can take direct USAirways flights to and from Philly at $239.  I can even fly into Charlotte and take the same $407 flight for about that.  Now, let’s say this consumes (on the high side) $20 more fuel (it’s not even close to this, even with today’s gas prices).  I can drive 15-30 min longer and save about $150.  Yep, this makes a *lot* more sense.  About as much sense as the $50 paid upgrade from economy to 1st class (available to anyone, not just tier frequent fliers) vs. the $800+ first class ticket.

 

Maybe the best first step for the airlines to bring themselves back from the brink of financial disaster is to realize that the passengers are customers, not cargo or cattle – and they aren’t stupid.  Considering that my last two flights required 10 hours total (each) after factoring in "get there early", delayed flights, enhanced security and other air travel annoyances (like waiting for luggage that must now be checked so you can brush your teeth), with only 2 hours of the 10 actually "in the air", airline travel is rapidly becoming neither faster nor more convenient.

 

Consider this for Charlotte to Atlanta round trip:

 

Airline – $202 (Delta), 3 hours in air, 4 hours pre-flight (2 hours per trip), total transit time 7 hours.

Amtrak – $101, 5 hours travel time each way, total transit time 10 hours.

Bus – $100, 4 hours travel time each way, total transit time 8 hours.

Driving – $100 (gas, estimated), 4 hours drive time each way, total transit time 8 hours.

 

How long before regular travelers on this route seriously consider trading in those 2-3 hours trying to entertain themselves in airports for a business class seat on a train where they can brush their teeth, read a book and not stand somewhere waiting on an overnight bag.

From the lead flight attendant on my Minneapolis to Charlotte return trip, during the safety announcement:

 

"Now, should our flight turn into a cruise, your seat cushions may be used as flotation devices."

 

Yep, it got my attention. 😀

What?  And you thought the Highlighter Inquisition was enough for one trip?  Nahhhhh.  I finally cleared "security", stopped in for a tall Canadian draft, hooked up my laptop and (big surprise) my flight was delayed.  No real problem other than the fact that my connection is to the last plane to Charlotte from Philly.  But, being the conservative traveler, I have built in 1.5 hours of connection time and the flight is just a hair over an hour, so I’m still feeling pretty good.  Until the announcement.  "Passengers traveling from Montreal to Charlotte, your plane has just left Philadelphia on it’s way here."  Great news – unless it is already departure time for the flight.  I shrug, board the thing when it gets there and resign myself to hotel and meal voucher land in Philly while weaseling myself to the seats closer to the front and calculating my gate to gate time in case a schism in the space time continuum helps me out.

 

The plane lands, the doors open.  Myself, a woman headed to Phoenix whose flight takes off 5 min before mine two gates down from mine and a family with three little kids hit the ground runnning.  Well, I’m running since I’m in my ultra comfy new airport Merrells – the rest of the crew are kinda hauling, limping and lurching, hampered by thoroughly impractical shoes and too many kids to carry and run with (not to mention the required 57 bags of kid junk).  I spy an airport cart, empty, with driver.  I step in front of it and ask how long to get to Concourse B.  The driver tells me he’s not going there.  Meanwhile, his cart fills with the band of refugees from my plane.  I hop in, smile and say, "So where are we going then?".  And we were off!

 

Whizzing through the Philadelphia airport, I try hard to see the departure screens, praying for a delay in my home leg.  No such luck.  Still, we are moving at a good clip, sling the lady going to Phoenix off at her gate (OK, so we slowed down *some*) and then screech to a halt in front of our gate.  Which is deserted other than the gate agent packing up his stuff.  We toss tickets at him, race down the jetway and fall into our seats in exhaustion.  And then we wait.  And wait.  Then we slowly pull away from the gate.  The speaker crackles.  "Well, folks, we are in line for takeoff.  Not exactly sure where since they only announce the top 10, but we are somewhere after that.  Hopefully we should be able to take off in the next 30 minutes or so."  *groan*

 

Flight to Charlotte (once we got off the ground) was uneventful, it goes without saying that my luggage did not make my plane so I got to stand in line to report it as having been "separated" (that’s the new term for "We freaking lost your stuff, mmmkay?").  Nice lady at lost… oops, separated… luggage pulls out her form.  I hand her my baggage ticket with my number and tell her it is a jade green Samsonite hardside roller bag, overhead sized.  She looks at me and says, "So what does your bag look like?".  I try again.  "It’s a green 22" Samsonite Silhouette hardside roller bag".  She hands me a sheet of generic luggage pictures and tells me to pick one.  I pick the hardside roller bag carryon.  She asks what color.  I say green.  She asks if it has wheels.  I check for a hearing aid.  Finally she asks what kind of nylon.  I apparently looked a tad cranky as the guy behind me says, "I don’t think hardsides are made of nylon."  She hands me a disclaimer of loss sheet that says the airline isn’t responsible for the loss of anything valued over 42 cents and will only pay for those if you can provide original receipts (OK, so not that bad, but close) and a phone number to call in case they can’t find it.

 

I look at her, smile and say, "So how am I supposed to know if you can’t find it?  It seems like you would know better what you can and can’t find, doesn’t it?".  Nonplussed, she says, "Well, if we don’t find it, we won’t deliver it and you should call to see if we found it."  I respond (now kind of having a twisted sort of fun), "So if you don’t deliver it at some point, I should call and ask if you found it and didn’t deliver it or if you didn’t find it and didn’t deliver it?"  She says, "Yes."  I say, "So why do you need my phone number?"

 

"We need your phone number so we can call you if we don’t find your luggage."  Yep, it’s true.  Common sense is less common than fish for Thanksgiving.  Boy, I can’t wait for my flight to Vancouver…